Crossdresser's Journal

Somehow I wonder where this path will lead me into....

At the beginning, it all began with looking at those beautiful girls on the street. Maybe because I didn't have a girlfriend at the time, it made me admire those girls in some way. Especially when they wore tight mini skirts that showed their legs, it triggered something within me, but honestly, I wasn't sure what kind of desires I had back then. Was it the desire to have a girlfriend who looked and dressed like them? Did I want to be like them? Or was it simply a desire to wear their clothes?

One day, a thought flashed into my mind. I enjoyed looking at those girls wearing their stylish outfits, but I didn't have enough opportunities or time to observe them. That's when I began to wonder, what if I wore those skirts myself? How would it feel to wear the same kind of skirts those girls usually wore? Would I look as good as them? Soon enough, I found myself ordering a mini denim skirt from an online shop. The anticipation was overwhelming as I eagerly awaited its arrival. Finally, the day came, and I tried on the skirt for the first time. I can still vividly remember the incredible sense of joy and amazement it brought me. Compared to wearing boring pants, it was a completely different experience. It felt fresh and liberating down there, and it made my legs look sexy. From that moment on, I was head over heels in love with wearing skirts. I started wearing them 1-2 times a month when I was alone. As days went by, my skirt collection grew, going from 1 to 2, 2 to 3, and so on.

Then, it came to a stage when I no longer satisfied with wearing a skirt only. I felt my wear is very plain, weird and boring, because I'm still wearing boy's t-shirt for my top. After observing those girls on the street and researching online, I decided to buy a spaghetty straps top that is commonly wear by those girls on the street and would match with most of the casual skirt. I remembered for the first time I wearing it, I felt totally embarrassed and shamed for wearing something that only female would wear, but that was not for long as my urge became stronger and stronger, and finally it surpass those feeling. The frequency (I dress up in skirt and girl's top) increased from 1-2 times a month to almost 3-4 times a month.

However, giving a combination of spaghetti straps top with denim skirt, it still unsatisfied. I know my style still far away from those girls on the street. I realized I lack of female characteristic - breast. I know all girls wear bra to hold their breast, and it's something that could help them maintain the shape, but at the same time I know I need something more than a bra, because I do not have a pair breast. So even I wear bra, the shape won't be came out. That was the point when I know the existence of push-up bra for the first time. It was very difficult to find the right size when buying online. I took my couple times until I found the right size that I can comfortably wearing it and without leaving so much empty space on the cup - 34B or 36A. The cup is not so big, but it sufficient to create my feminine (top) shape. I was pretty satisfied for a while of wearing bra, spaghetti top and denim skirt. I started wearing like this 2 times a week.

After a while, I started feeling not feminine enough because of wearing my boxer under my skirt. I felt it doesn't match at all for wearing boy's underwear under my skirt, especially when I feel feminine for wearing bra and spaghetti strap top. So I decided to purchase panties, so I could feel more girly and feminine when dressing up. It doesn't like boy's underwear, girl's panties is more tight and having different cuts (boyshort, hispter / hiphugger, bikini, thong, g-string) and type of materials (silk, lace, cotton). The first time I wear panty, I made me so aroused. But this round, it doesn't give me a guilty feeling, because I was feeling so feminine for dressing in full set for clothing. From that moment, I think I knew that my mind instructs me to wear panties all the time instead of boy's underwear. I also learned how to tuck my dick so my bottom part became flat like a girl.

At the beginning, I had a difficulty for wearing panties and go to sleep. It made me so aroused until it prevented me from sleeping, and forced me to change back to my boy's underwear. It takes me a couple weeks until I finally I can go sleep while wearing these panties (but I still get aroused regardless). At this point, I was very satisfied for wearing the full set of female attier from underwears to the outerwears. I started wearing the full set of female attire almost everyday, from bra, panties, skirt, dress, and even sleepwear.

But crossdressing is like a drug. The addiction for perfection becomes higher and higher, and I cannot resist the addiction. My urge to be feminine became higher and higher. Underwears and outerwears were no longer satisfied me. I bought two pairs of 3" inch high stiletto heels (black and nude color) and started practicing to wear it everyday at home. It made my bottom looks more feminine and sexy. Day after day, I started mastering to walk in those heels, then I bought another pair that is 5" inch high. I also shaved my body hairs using depilator, and start wearing pantyhose / stocking (with garther belt) to made my legs looked more feminine in the skirt / dress and heels. At this timing, I have been seldom touching my boy's clothes when I'm at home, instead, I always dressing in full female attires everyday, from top to heels.

Then my addiction raised into another level, where I no longer satisfied with my appearance because of the masculine face and short hair. So I bought a long straight wig in a brunette color from an online shop. It was excited when waiting for it, but dissapointment came out after wearing it. The reflection from the mirror only showed me like a masculine dude in girl style long hair. I almost gave up for perfection at that time, but unable to get rid off my desire to become more feminine, I started searching some information from the internet on how to make me become more feminine and can pass be a girl. Then I found about the thing could my face to become more feminine - makeup. That is the day when things gone wild. I bought a lot of cosmetic products with a complete makeup set, from the foundation, eye shadow, eye liner, lipsticks, etc. At the beginning, it didn't work well, but practice makes thing perfect, I slowly mastered the skill. The first time I successful did my make up, I was hardly believe the reflection of my face in the mirror. It totally gave me a different look which is very feminine. Then I wear my wig to complete my feminine appearance. I felt so sexy and even made myself aroused just for looking my own reflection in the mirror. I finally have a total full feminine appearance from head to toe, and this became my daily routine. I applied makeup, wearing wig, and changed my clothes from boy's attires to female attires once I back home from work. During that time, I think I've became a "full-time closet girl". My wig collection also slowly increased, from long straight hair, to medium length, curvy, etc.. From brunette, dark brown, to blonde color.

After spending about 6-9 months as a "full-time closet girl", my female attires have over spawned my male attires. The ratio probably 9:1, and the wardrobe has been filled by different type of dresses, skirts and tops, where my male attires only take up a small area of my wardrobe. . I even need to purchase a chest of drawer to put my bra and panties. That was the time when I started forcing myself to started wearing my female attires as much as I can, because giving the number of female attires that I had, it probably sufficient to supply me wearing different outfits everyday for 2 to 3 months without washing any of it. And it would be a waste if I don't wear it frequently. Therefore, in order to fully utilized the clothes I have, I forced myself to start wearing panty under my pants everyday and female tops (that are not so obvious) for short distance travel. I think at this stage, I've became a "full-time closet girl" in my house, but a "sissy boy" outside the house.

One day, my desire getting bigger. I had a big urge to dress out as a girl, and I cannot rid it off from my mind. The female persona wanted to go out (so bad) in full female attires. I have no choice but allow her in the end. We tried couple outfits and combination before we went out, but in the final, she chose to have brunette hair with white floral bodycon dress to went out. It looks elegant and sexy at the same time. I also satified with our look. Finally, we went out of the house. It was my first time to went out of the house in full female attires. I was tremble and anxious. My heart beat so fast and so loud, I could hear it for every step I took. It was totally a new level of experience comparing with when I dressed at home. I pretty scared and worried to be found out by my neighbors or anyone that I know. However, she was not satisfied just to come out for couple steps from the house. She chose to take public transport which was so crowded!! I remembered that I can feel a lot of people were staring at me. I didn't know whether they were staring at me because they know that I'm a guy who crossdressed as a girl or it was because I was looked so pretty, convincing and passed as as girl.

She chose to visit a shopping mall to try some clothes, shoes, and even lingerie! Can you imagine!? a lingerie shop! Never in my life have visited a lingerie shop before, and the shop that we visited is a famous brand some more. She let one of the staff measured my body and asked for recommendations. I remembered my heart almost jumping out when we spoke to her. But the staff (a young lady) treated us quite nice with a warm smile and professional attitude. We bought three sets of lingerie in the end. Even I have a lot of bra and panties sets, but comparing with those which I purcahsed online, this was totally a brand new experience. The size and quality is very different. The size is fit better compare with all of the lingeries that I had.

I forgot when I get rid off all of the anxiety. Shopping is alot more fun when dressing as a girl. My confidence also boost alot after we tried and bought the lingeries. Some more, I met some of my neighbors and ex-colleagues in the mall. We walked pass through each other, but none of them recognized me. I think they took me as a total stranger on the public, thus, my confidence increased to the maximum level. The experience became a pandora box to me. After that day, I became more and more dare, and frequently dressed out as as girl when I went out (almost everytime), because I have been dressed up full-time in female attires when I was at home, I lazy to change back to my boy's outfit and to take out my makeup, since I became quite dare and pretty confident that no one will find out, so I just chose to went out directly as a girl instead of changing back to my boy's form. I;ve became a "part-time girl" from that day. I dress up as a girl most of the time except when meeting my friends or when went out for working.

One year passed since that event, I left my male's clothes untouched most of the time (except my working dress), that's the time when I decided to throw away all of my male underwear and only left some of my male clothes for my daily needs (meet my friends, family or for work). I also has changed my job and moved out from my apartment to another. None of my neighbors know that I'm a guy now, because I have fully lived and dress as woman most of my time now (well, except for my job).